


refraction

by indistinct_echo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Blindfolds, Blow Jobs, Coming Out, Dirty Talk, Edging, Exhibitionism If You Squint, Face-Fucking, Got very dirty very quickly, Identity Reveal, Introspection, Just because it's kinky doesn't mean it's not romantic, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Non-Sexual Roleplay, Oral Sex, Secret Identity, Sex, Smut, this got way out of hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:15:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22322419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indistinct_echo/pseuds/indistinct_echo
Summary: (To be read after completing Monochrome by intoapuddle.)Dan doesn't want to wait any longer: it's time to share with Angie and PJ his Fall Whisperer identity.This really isn't  so scary... oh, who is he kidding, it's terrifying.Cue supportive-boyfriend Phil, amateur-therapist Dan, and a healthy dose of luck (+ bonus smut).
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 23
Kudos: 80
Collections: Negative Space (Monochrome Extras), from chromies with love





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Monochrome](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19253134) by [intoapuddle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoapuddle/pseuds/intoapuddle). 



Dan’s heart is beating in his throat. He can barely think over the noise of the blood rushing through his head, undoubtedly showing up as red patches all over his face. He is scared.

He has no real reason to be afraid, Dan recognizes that much. But his body doesn’t always listen to what his brain knows. That took a while for Dan to understand and even longer to stop resenting. Countless therapy sessions bemoaning the fact that Dan can’t stop himself from being afraid of things he knows to be irrational – even becoming secure enough in his thoughts to be able to recognize them as irrational, without caving in to the spectator, took significant effort – only to finally come to the realization that it is okay for him to be afraid.

Even if this is not something that other people struggle with, even if other people don’t require as much effort to get through the day as Dan needs to exert. It feels embarrassing for Dan to acknowledge that he does need the effort and is still so afraid, but maybe that’s a bit of the struggle as well.

This might be something he won’t ever be able to overcome; it is quite possible that Dan’s past has affected him in a way that can never be undone, leaving him a shell of a person who is always just a bit too apprehensive of every-day life. No, not a shell of a person. Just a person, full stop.

It is true that Dan can be overly skeptical and too cynical of people’s motives for his own good, but, even though Dan wants to improve, that doesn’t mean he is not a worthwhile human at this very moment.

Dan is worthwhile even if he doesn’t ever make it to the place he now realizes is potentially within his reach. Completely rewiring the mental mechanisms that protected him in the past is daunting, and there is a decent chance that Dan won’t be able to succeed. That’s certainly possible. Maybe even inevitable.

Despite this, he can still try. He can steel himself, acknowledge his fear, take a deep breath to calm the chaos in his brain, and make an effort to do exactly what is scaring him most at this moment. Not in spite of the fear but out of respect for it.

Dan respects that his sense of fear works in overdrive because that is what used to be necessary to keep him safe. He recognizes that the fear only wanted him to experience the closest thing to a pain-free life that was possible in his circumstances; detachment is only a negative thing if one is detaching from something positive to begin with. But there are so many positives in Dan’s life now, so many more than would have occurred to Dan to even hope for on his darkest days. By taking steps towards the best things in Dan’s life, by not running from the terrifying possibility of real connection, he is respecting the fear. He is honoring it.

So he takes another breath –

“Angie,” Dan says in time with his exhale.

“Hi Dan, what’s up?” Phil responds, surprisingly taking this as seriously as Dan does. True, he is pitching his voice a bit higher, not that Angie even has a high voice to begin with, but it seems to be in a real, serious attempt to get into ‘character.’ And Dan loves him for it.

He never _really_ believed Phil would make fun of him for this, even if the thought streaked across his consciousness once or twice in the days during which he worked up the courage to ask Phil. But still, actually role-playing Dan’s conversation with Angie so that he’d maybe feel just an ounce more comfortable when “coming out” to her as Chrome… Dan wouldn’t have been surprised if Phil had giggled just a bit as they got started. But he didn’t.

Phil is completely serious and so intent on helping Dan in whatever way possible that Dan almost wants to back out of this exercise they’re doing together and go hide in his own apartment, or, at least, in Phil’s bed. Dan feels so completely _seen_. But he doesn’t truly want to back out, he doesn’t actually want to run away from this feeling. No matter how vulnerable this exercise makes him feel, behind that feeling is intimacy and care and love. And that’s not something Dan ever wants to turn away from, not when it comes to Phil.

“So, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” Dan continues, conscious of the fact that he’s nervously wringing his hands. He chooses to ignore them in favor of moving this conversation where he needs – no, wants – it to go. This conversation is not strictly necessary; Phil has reminded Dan at least a dozen times that, if Dan wants, he can keep his other identity hidden. But the thing is, Dan doesn’t want to.

He wants to be real and honest, and, even though he’d never say this to Phil, he doesn’t want to back himself into the same corner that Phil is currently stuck in. He recognizes the circumstances in Phil’s life that caused Phil’s predicament when it came to _his_ second identity as Seagull, and while he would never judge Phil for his way of handling things, Dan can also see the pain Phil struggles with as a result.

And, the thing is, Dan’s circumstances are not like those which initially forced, and have since kept, Phil in hiding. Dan has wonderful people by his side, people who love and care about him, people who already know his identity and have been nothing but incredible. He has never been blackmailed for who he is as Chrome and has been through enough therapy to understand that, if he were to hide, Dan would just be taking a step back into the darkness that he tries so hard to step out of.

So he wants to tell Angie and PJ. He really does. But that means actually going through with those conversations which requires quieting the spectator, even if just for a bit. That’s where Phil comes in.

“What do you want to talk about?” Phil-as-Angie prompts gently, gaze warm and locked on Dan.

“About the game… About Fall Whisperer,” Dan responds. He feels a rush of anxiety which feels not that much unlike a bout of adrenaline and suddenly he needs this conversation to go faster, he needs to just say it. “I know that you’re Irregularsymbol and I wanted to tell you who I am in the game.”

“Oh?” Phil-as-Angie responds, tilting his head to the side. “That’s really sweet of you, I’ll try to keep an eye out if your username ever pops up.”

Phil doesn’t pause long enough for Dan to respond.

“Not that I can help you win the contests, of course,” he continues with a smirk, “but you can try going to Phil for that, he may just be sweet enough for you that he’ll convince PJ and me to rig it in your favor.” Phil quirks an eyebrow, letting a bit more of his actual personality come through.

A flutter of warmth curls in Dan’s chest – no matter how many times Phil tells him how strongly he feels about Dan, hearing that love, unprompted, especially as its own statement and not a reactionary “I love you too _,_ ” might always give Dan an extra thrill.

“I’m not sure that I’ll know who you are though,” Phil continues, “There are a lot of players, thankfully.”

Despite himself, Dan flinches. Not that there’s anything wrong with what Phil said, but, still, his words hurt. Partially, because it’s _Phil_ and for Phil to not know him is a horrid alternate reality that Dan doesn’t want to dwell on. Even though they haven’t known each other long, even though the spectator still urges Dan to question the viability of a shared future, to imagine never even having this short time together? It’s heart shattering.

But that’s not the only reason why Dan feels hurt, although it is the only one he’s not surprised by. The other reason is something _new_ , something to pick apart and contemplate at an undetermined later point in time, but, at least for now, Dan can acknowledge that a portion of the hurt stems, to his astonishment, from pride. He is proud of what he has accomplished as Chrome, he enjoys being a name that people know and can turn to for insights and strategy. And, even though it is all just online and people don’t know his true identity, Dan still considers his success as Chrome an achievement.

So, yes, to hear that Angie might not know him hurts his ego. It’s perhaps a bit ridiculous given that Dan knows for a fact that she knows of Chrome, but that’s alright. Feelings aren’t always logical, which also means that Dan doesn’t have to get stuck in those feelings if he doesn’t think that they are warranted. Dan can brush off the offense. He soothes his pride by recognizing that he is only in this situation because of his success – he wouldn’t be as driven to tell Angie and PJ who he is in Fall Whisperer if he didn’t think his identity as Chrome would be important to them.

So that’s what he says.

“That’s actually why I want to tell you because you _do_ know who I am – in the game, I mean – and I don’t want to hide that from you or pretend I’m somebody that I’m not,” Dan says all at once. He takes a deep breath, more for the sake of allowing time for his words to sink in than from nerves. He isn’t nervous anymore. He is ready to share this part of himself.

“I’m Chrome. Er, well, achromaticbot, but people call me Chrome.”

There is no going back, the truth is out now. The weight of Dan’s words hangs in the still air between them.

Dan looks at Phil, something he hasn’t managed to accomplish until now. His breath hitches. Phil is looking at Dan so intently and with so much warmth, a small smile tugging at the edges of his lips. All of the tension in Dan’s body melts away. He feels at peace. He feels at home.

Phil seems to sense how Dan is being affected and looks down, blushing, as his grin continues to widen.

But then Phil knits his eyebrows, his smile drops, and he appears to take a grounding breath. When he looks back up, his face is wistful and turned up into a question. Dan knows Phil is asking if he still wants to go through with this. Because everything that has happened so far was the easy part. Everything until now was up to Dan. Everything to say, to not say; Dan was in control for the first part of this conversation. But, from here on out, it’s up to Phil – Angie – to determine where this conversation goes.

And, for this to be a successful role-playing exercise to quell Dan’s anxieties, this conversation needs to go to the worst possible scenario. So Dan nods once with a shrug, an answer Phil’s unspoken question.

Phil nods to himself, seemingly lost in thought. His eyes wander around the room, now looking anywhere _other_ than Dan, until he stops.

Sighs.

Turns back to Dan, gaze sharp and expression resolute.

Dan can see the moment when Phil switches from just being himself into the role he’s about to play. The change is fascinating to Dan, and he realizes that Phil must be used to wearing many different faces for him to so easily be able to call them up on demand.

And he does it so convincingly, too. It’s in the set of his shoulders, the tension in his jaw, even in the force with which he breathes – Phil’s cross.

“What the hell, Dan!” Phil exclaims, not bothering to pitch his voice up anymore.

Phil gesticulates his frustrations with his hands, matching the heat in his tone as he speaks, “You lied to us – even though you knew who _we_ were, knew that you were _involved_ when we spoke about the game in front of you. Hell, we even talked about Chrome – you – and you never once thought that this might be important to bring up?”

“I did think it was important,” Dan pushes back, “that’s why I’m telling you. I don’t want to keep this a secret.”

Phil folds his arms over his chest and narrows his eyes.

“But you did keep it a secret, didn’t you,” Phil spits out. “You had all of these opportunities to say something, but you never did. We’re the creators of the game, for fucks sake, and you took advantage of us,” – Dan blanches – “of Phil.”

Shit, shit, shit, shit. Dan can’t start crying now. He needs to explain himself.

Dan stands by his choices and thinks that they were the right ones, but he knows that if he can’t explain himself, if he can’t put his thoughts into words, then he is at risk of letting more people he cares about slip away. He has lost so many people already, and Dan is certain that he doesn’t want Angie and PJ to join those who have been mentally immortalized only as ghosts from Dan’s past.

“I don’t think I took advantage,” Dan says carefully, hesitation creeping into his voice, “or, at least, I never intended to. I never wanted anything of you guys as the creators and certainly not of Phil.”

“Did you know who he was when you met?” Phil-as-Angie asks, more resigned than angry at this point.

“No, not at all,” Dan replies honestly. “It took me a while to figure it out, but, as soon as I did, I told him. I never want there to be secrets between the two of us. Phil is too important for that.”

Dan looks past the ‘Angie’ façade and right at Phil, “Our relationship is too important.”

Phil graces him with a small smile, his harsh eyes softening. Phil unfolds his arms from where they’d been crossed and reaches for Dan, hands wrapping around Dan’s back as he pulls him into a hug.

“Now, who could be mad when you say things like that,” Phil says with plain affection, punctuating his statement with a kiss placed to Dan’s temple.

Dan leans into Phil, arms coming up to match Phil’s embrace.

“I meant every word,” Dan says, turning his head to meet Phil in a quick kiss.

“I certainly didn’t,” Phil says when they break apart, amusement coloring his words, “maybe the bit about me giving you special treatment, but nothing else, I swear.”

“I love you,” Dan murmurs. _You’re incredible_ is what he means.

Phil kisses him deeply. _I love you_ is what Dan hears.

A storm is brewing, and Dan is heading right towards it. No left turns, no last-minute swerve – he is doing this. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

But just because Dan recognizes the signs of a coming storm doesn’t mean that he needs to passively allow it to knock him around. Change is important but doesn’t need to be rushed into. It often shouldn’t be. While the chaos of a storm, by definition, cannot be completely organized, it can still be planned for.

Dan is confronting this storm head-on, an approach that is certainly not his strong suit. And, if he’s going to go out of his comfort zone to make sure he does this right, he wants to be as prepared as is possible.

After all, there’s no rule saying that he can’t go into the storm already wielding an umbrella.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan doesn’t want to wait any longer. Each day he keeps his secret yields more anxiety; he just needs to rip the bandage off. And, especially with Angie’s due-date coming up, Dan worries that, if he doesn’t tell her now, it might be a while before he gets another chance.

So they make a plan.

Phil offers to get Angie’s address so that, if Dan wants, he can have this conversation at her place, but Dan declines. He wants to be on familiar turf and have an easy place of comfort to retreat into once this is all over. He also wants Angie to have a way out, perhaps a way of storming out, if the conversation goes how Dan fears it might.

They decide that Phil should be there too, albeit out of sight so that Dan and Angie have privacy. It is not the easiest decision. Phil protests when Dan unequivocally states that he doesn’t want Phil to be in the room for the conversation itself.

“If it doesn’t go well, you’ll be so tempted to jump in and smooth things over,” Dan reasons. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but, in this case, I want to handle it myself.”

“I just want to help,” Phil responds, “and given that I know both of you better than you each know the other, I think that my presence would be beneficial.”

Dan knows Phil isn’t wrong. He sighs. “Look, things probably _would_ go better if you mediated the conversation. The thing is…” Dan pauses. “That’s not what I want.”

Dan feels bad for being so blunt, but he recognizes that it is necessary to actually communicate his desires, even if it means letting Phil down. It took Dan a long time to figure out that there are things he wants in life that require disappointing people and that it’s okay to sometimes do so. Not that it is ever easy.

Even when those people are his parents, with whom he already has a rocky relationship. Dan often finds himself caving to their desires more frequently than he honors his own. Even more so with someone like Phil – someone he _loves_ and wants to do and be everything for. There’s a part of Dan that wishes he could be on board with anything that makes Phil happy. But, to be able to be there for Phil, with him, in the long run, Dan can’t burn himself out trying to fulfill everything Phil wants while ignoring his own needs.

Shooting down Phil’s request without explaining himself, however, is not the healthiest approach either. It would be taking too much control to demand that Phil do whatever suits Dan’s fancy at any given moment. That kind of behavior reminds Dan of his father who seems to think that his way is the only right way to do things and expects everyone else to fall in line. Dan never wants to become like that, so he’s going to make damn sure any instance that even comes close to that level of control is done in a healthy way. This means that when Dan needs to, and does, put up boundaries – for both his and Phil’s sakes – he will try his best to communicate, to make sure they understand and respect each other’s desires, even if they conflict.

“I recognize that I am taking a risk by doing this alone,” Dan says, “and I appreciate you looking out for me, but this whole conversation is a risk. I need to confront that risk knowing I can’t force the outcome I want because real connection, and the honest vulnerability required for it, cannot be forced. I’ve given up control, and I don’t want someone else taking it on my behalf.”

Phil doesn’t argue anymore after that.

So, as Dan sits on the living-room sofa waiting for Angie to arrive, he texts Phil. He’s in the bedroom, available at a moment’s notice if Dan needs his help or if Angie wants further explanation. Phil is only a few dozen meters away, but Dan knows it will be a challenge for him to stay cooped up in his room while the action takes place just down the hall.

“I’ll recap for you as soon as this is over,” Dan promises over text.

“Only if you’re feeling up to it,” Phil sends, “we can discuss a different time if you just want to cuddle.”

“<3 I’ll keep you posted.” Dan pockets his phone.

Now, he just waits.

The hum of his nerves eventually feels like background static and he zones out at least once or twice.

The doorbell rings. Dan jumps.

He tries to maintain his composure as he walks to the door. When he opens it, Angie is standing there, smiling wide.

“Hey Dan,” Angie says. She lets herself in.

“Uh, hi.”

Dan mentally kicks himself for not managing an eloquent greeting.

He closes the door and walks back to where he’d been sitting on the couch. He can see the indent from where he last sat and sits down right back over it. Angie sits down beside him.

Dan looks around the room – he doesn’t quite know how to begin. Thankfully, Angie takes the lead.

“I’m so glad you texted, Dan. We haven’t really had a chance to get to know each other yet, have we?” Angie asks. It’s clearly a rhetorical question, but Dan answers anyway.

“Yeah, exactly. I think Phil kept you for himself on Halloween.” Dan can hear the words coming out of his mouth, but it doesn’t quite feel like he’s speaking. The air seems to be vibrating around him. His heart is beating at what must be a thousand beats a minute.

Angie raises an eyebrow, “I actually seem to remember him being all over _you_.” Dan blushes. The surprise of it somehow calms him down a bit, startling him out of what could have easily been a quick spiral into panic.

“No matter,” she says brightly, “at least we both agree that Phil has kept us apart for far too long.”

This causes Dan to crack a small smile. It fades when he remembers the purpose of this conversation.

“There may have been a reason for that,” Dan says, before he can overthink it. He winces – he sounds so ominous.

“Ha, it would be so like Phil to worry that we’ll be too similar and hate each other,” Angie says with a light laugh.

Her eyes light up. “Ooh, does he think we’ll get jealous of each other? Because you might be his boyfriend, but I still have the best friend position, and I’m not giving that up easily.”

She doesn’t seem to have picked up on Dan’s tone. He can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not.

“No, not exact-”

“Wait, I bet he’s worried that I’ll steal you away from him. I have been known to be irresistible.” She tosses her hair over one shoulder. Clearly, she is used to taking the piss out of Phil.

Dan doesn’t quite know how to respond. This is nothing like how he and Phil practiced. He just stares, waiting for the right words to come to him.

But, without any warning, Angie stops. She looks like an actress in a movie that someone paused mid-movement, Dan thinks, or like someone called cut in the middle of her big monologue.

Her eyes search Dan’s face, and the mirth leaves her expression.

“Sorry,” she says with a sigh, “this is important, I can tell. Just give me a second.”

Dan blinks. Angie plays with the beads on her bracelet. Dan hadn’t even noticed she was wearing one until now.

“I’m not always great at being serious. I tend to make jokes if I think the conversation is about to go somewhere that I don’t feel quite prepared for. But it’s not like I don’t notice the vibes you’re giving off – honestly, Dan, you’re shaking like a leaf. Something must be on your mind. I am totally willing to talk with you about it, I just… I need a moment to convince my brain to let myself relax into a serious conversation instead of just fleeing into one that’s a lot more light-hearted.”

Angie lets out the breath she’d been holding. Dan thinks he can see all her energy drain out along with it. There’s a pause.

“That makes a lot of sense,” Dan says, once he realizes that he should probably respond. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Angie says again, “I’m good now.” She’s still playing with her bracelet absentmindedly.

“You don’t need to apologize.” Dan lets himself really look at her. She’s still the same Angie he met at Halloween – confident, loud, caring – but he can see so much more now. He had been worried about talking to Angie, the person behind Irregularsymbol, because she’s such a celebrity in Dan’s mind. But, now, she feels human. 

“I get what Phil was saying about us being a lot alike,” Dan muses. “I didn’t see it at first, but yeah, now I do.”

“How so?” Angie asks.

“Well, like you said, I was pretty scared at the start of this conversation. To be honest, I still am.” Dan’s nerves, which had been temporarily curbed, start to return. “And, while it’s not totally the same, there is some overlap in how we deal with vulnerability, I think.”

Angie considers this for a minute, eventually saying, “Yeah, I guess what I do in those situations is talk a lot and try to make jokes to sidetrack the conversation. You, on the other hand, freeze up. Maybe that’s because, if you don’t say anything or react in any way, then the conversation can’t press forward? So, not diverting the conversation, but obstructing it.”

Dan’s eyes widen, and he has to hold himself back from letting his jaw drop open. Angie actually seems to understand him. Dan wasn’t really expecting that. To be fair, he wasn’t expecting much of anything, just saying what was on his mind. He was completely authentic in his attempt to make a connection. And it worked.

Not only did Dan get his own idea across, but Angie was able to take that idea and expand it. At the same time, she also picked it apart and analyzed it in a way that Dan doesn’t know if he could have done on his own.

Dan and Angie aren’t the same, but they are complementary.

“Turquoise,” Dan says to himself, thinking.

“Pardon?”

Dan’s cheeks redden. He hadn’t realized he spoke out loud. “I think that’s your core crystal. Turquoise.”

“Really?” She looks intrigued. “Why do you say that?”

Dan doesn’t even have to think about it. He’d know the crystals in his sleep. “Well, turquoise is safety, right? That’s what you try to give yourself. It’s good for use in armor because it prevents damage. You can take off the armor as you please, but it’s still right there if you need that safety net. It’s just like how you jump in with a joke to sidetrack a conversation that feels too dangerous but can make yourself be serious if you feel safe enough doing so.”

“And think about Phil,” he continues, not even fully sure of where his train of thought is going before he speaks. “You’re someone he finds so completely safe. I’ve never seen him as comfortable with someone, other than myself, as he is with you.”

The pieces just keep slotting into place, and Dan picks up speed, trying to say everything without losing any of the thoughts along the way. It’s not so different from how he develops a theory or insight into the game, although there he tries to ensure his approach is at least somewhat methodical. In comparison, this feels outright frantic.

“And Phil’s an amethyst, yeah? Like, very clearly so. In my opinion, anyway. Protection is important to him. But that requires constant vigilance, it’s not something he can rely on. That’s just not who he is. By always looking out for himself and for other people, he is never just protected, _he is providing that protection_. And that’s probably exhausting, always having to be one step ahead. But with you, he’s different. He’s safe. He doesn’t have to be worried and careful and constantly on the lookout. You’re a shelter of sorts, a state of being he can’t otherwise access.”

A thought crosses Dan’s mind and it’s like a lightbulb goes off. “That’s why Phil dotes on you,” he says, voice filled with awed understanding. “It’s not a chore for him to dote, it’s something he does because he wants to go all-out for the people he loves. Normally, he feels the need to hold back in order to stay in control and protect those people. But Phil isn’t in protector mode with you. With you, he can actually express his emotions fully because he feels safe enough to lessen the vigilance.”

Dan only pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts, but that’s long enough for Angie to jump in.

“What about you?” she asks, “Doesn’t he act the same way?”

“Not exactly, but almost. I’m emerald. Maybe that’s cliché given the story and given that Phil created said story, but I think it’s accurate. I’m someone who helps other people feel calm. My anxieties disappear when I’m focused on others because I notice their anxious traits and concentrate on trying to reduce the stress they feel. I’ve been told that people feel like I really see them, you know? I didn’t believe that for a while, but I’m starting to think, or at least hope, that it’s true.”

“So, for Phil, I’m calm, and I help ground him. And, hopefully, I can really see him for who he is at his core, behind whatever masks he has to put up to protect himself and those he cares about. He still does want to protect me, it’s just that I help bring the tension down so that he can focus on what actually needs protecting.”

“It makes sense why Phil sees us as similar,” Dan says, finally coming back to his original point, “but also why we can see the differences in our approaches. Emerald and turquoise might not match exactly, but they definitely do go well together.”

Dan sits back against the sofa; at some point he had subconsciously leaned in towards Angie to better convey his excitement. Dan blushes. He perhaps got a bit carried away.

But, when he looks at Angie, he doesn’t see anything in her expression that indicates he has reason to be embarrassed. If he had slowed down enough to worry, he might have been concerned about coming across as too obsessed. But all he sees in Angie’s eyes is wonder.

Dan lets the silence rest. The quiet doesn’t feel anxious or tense. It’s calm. It’s safe.

Eventually, Angie moves to hold her face in one hand and looks at Dan with scrutiny, assessing him. Dan watches her but doesn’t comment. After a minute, her eyebrows shoot up and her eyes widen. She bursts into an incredible smile.

“Hi Chrome.”


	3. Chapter 3

Dan’s immediate instinct is to deny it. To feign shock and laugh at the absurdity of Angie’s theory. He’s a decent actor, he could probably pull it off.

But he’s not going to. Even though it’s become habit for him to pull away, to protect everything he considers personal from the scrutiny of the outside world, he doesn’t have to give in to that urge.

Dan came into this conversation ready to share his truth, and that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

Starting with owning up to his identity.

“Hi,” he says with a shy smile. Although he only says one word, and not even one which directly admits to who he is, it’s enough.

Angie squeals. “Ah, I knew it!”

Dan’s smile widens and his eyes crinkle at the edges. He lets out a huff of laughter. “I’ve been working up the courage to tell you for a while now, but somehow you just figured it out. How did you know?”

Angie arches one eyebrow. “Not anyone could come up with the analysis you did,” she says. “At first, it reminded me of Phil, the way he’d call me up to excitedly tell me about some new story-line or a detail he had fleshed out.”

“But then I remembered the interpretation Chrome gave of those Dye and White pictures PJ drew. Not just the argument Chrome made but the way in which he constructed it – pointing out minor details, seemingly going on tangents, only to come back around with a really solid argument that tied all of his points together at the end. It was incredible. And I remember thinking to myself that I was pretty sure nobody else in the fandom could possibly develop an analysis as thorough and as eloquent as Chrome. That’s when the three of us got together and started discussing the idea of having him – you – join in for the event, by the way.”

“And, honestly, that would have been enough to figure out that you were Chrome, but I had even more evidence. Because I was the one chosen to reach out to you for the event, I already had a chance to have a little back and forth with you. I got to see the personality behind your words and the way in which you phrase things. Once the idea popped into my head that you might be Chrome based on your stellar analysis, I then noticed all of the ways you and Chrome had shared personality quirks and language style.”

“Even our great chemistry further solidified my theory. Right off the bat, we were so comfortable and casual in our emails, and, even though we walked into today not really having known each other, we so easily fit and were able to have a conversation that I don’t think most near-strangers would be capable of.”

“So, yeah, after all of that it was kind of obvious.”

Dan marvels at Angie. He hadn’t even realized that he left so many clues to his identity. That was probably a good thing for his anxiety levels, Dan thinks with self-deprecating amusement; had he known, he would have immediately become anxious about doing anything “Chrome-like” that might give him away.

“You know, you talk about my analyses, but it seems like you’re not half bad at them either,” Dan says, smiling.

“Aw, you’re sweet,” she says. “Must have picked up the skill from being around Phil these past few years. Where is he, by the way?”

“Oh, he’s just having a lounge in our room – _his_ room, sorry,” Dan says, catching himself.

Angie gives him a look that Dan can only describe as unimpressed. “I know the two of you practically live together. You don’t have to pretend like that’s not the case.”

“Right, okay. Yeah, will do,” Dan says, tripping over his words. Even though Dan feels secure about his relationship with Phil and how deep their bond has grown in such a short period of time, it’s not the most natural thing for him to be so open about that to other people.

His relationship with Phil is something that he considers to be so precious, and he hopes to never take it for granted. There’s a small part of him that wants to broadcast their relationship to the world, to shine a spotlight on Phil and say, “Look at this fantastic human being who I have the opportunity and privilege to love.”

But then there’s the other part, the stronger part. The part that has learned from Dan’s experiences, that has learned to hide the things he cares about. Whether that was to protect those things from his father, who would only judge him for those passions, or to protect those things from himself, who became accustomed to judging himself in the same way.

But Dan doesn’t have to hide anymore, at least not all of the time. He can choose who to let in and how much he lets them see. And that starts with himself. It has taken a lot of hard work, but Dan can allow himself to feel things that he previously would have forcibly tried to repress. He no longer holds himself and his emotions at arm’s length. He embraces the feelings instead of the judgement.

So, it’s still not easy to share the depth of his and Phil’s relationship with others; Dan is still getting used to what it means to experience that kind of depth, himself. But every moment is another choice, another step towards or away from a given connection that is available to him. And he can decide and re-decide where exactly he wants to place his boundaries for each one of those connections.

Right now, Dan knows that his connection with Angie is one that he wants to strengthen. So, while it might be more of a stumble than a proper step forward, at least he is moving in the right direction.

“Thanks for being so cool about this,” Dan says, despite how awkward he knows he sounds. Some things are worth being said, even if they do make him seem even more socially inept.

“Nothing to be cool about,” Angie says with a dismissive wave of her hand. “And also, like, you guys are great for each other. I’d be a bit of a prick to start making a fuss about two people who are clearly so well suited.”

“Wow, thank you,” Dan says earnestly, “I know Phil really values your opinion, so that means a lot.”

“Oh, are you saying you don’t?” Angie says with faux annoyance. “I might need to rethink that whole unconditional acceptance bit…”

“Give it time,” Dan teases back, “I’m sure you’ll prove your worth to me eventually.”

“Have you already forgotten that I’m one of the creators of your _favorite_ game? I think that should count as more than adequate proof that you care about my opinions. Imagine if I never made the Fall Whisperer soundtrack, you’d be stuck playing the game in utter silence. You’d be miserable.”

“Oh, yes, there’s nothing else that I possibly could have listened to these past two years on the tube.”

“Two years of my soundtrack on repeat? Sounds pretty whipped to me.”

Dan can’t help but smile at that. “It’s great music, I’m not afraid to admit it.”

He signals the acceptance of his defeat by heaving an overly dramatic sigh.

“I guess this means you win,” Dan says. “We have conclusively established that your opinions do matter to me.”

Angie rolls her eyes. “Of course they do, my opinions are fantastic.”

Dan laughs.

“But two years, really?” Angie asks. Dan nods with a shrug.

“Huh,” she says, “I get what Phil was saying about it being weird to talk to a fan.”

“He spoke to you about that?”

Dan is surprised. This was something he and Phil discussed a while back, and Dan had thought that was the end of the matter; he hadn’t known that Phil also talked to Angie about it. He has a brief flash of insecurity – _was he not good enough for Phil to just talk to him about this?_ – but he dismisses the thought. Phil can talk to whomever he wants, and Angie is a great person to discuss this with, especially because she shares Phil’s career situation.

“Yeah, he rang me after he found some merch of yours and freaked out. He never bothered to tell me that you’re _Chrome_ , though.” Angie scoffs. “That bastard.”

“Wait.” Her eyes narrow. “Phil does know that you’re Chrome, right?” It’s not an accusation, but Dan doesn’t think he’s imagining the judgement in her tone. He lets the sting roll off him – he understands where she’s coming from. The best thing he can do is not get defensive; he recognizes that it’s nothing personal.

“Yeah, he knows. But, at the time he spoke to you, I hadn’t told him yet, I think. Depending on the exact timing of your call, I might not even have figured out who _he_ was by that point.”

Angie’s expression softens and her shoulders relax. It seems he’s done enough to appease her, but he decides to explain further, just to be safe.

“Almost as soon as I figured out that he was Seagull, I reached out to him as Chrome – he had been ignoring ‘Dan’ as part of his freak out. Phil knowing I was Chrome kind of helped smooth things along because he and Chrome already got along well, and it also meant that he knew how involved I was.”

“Completely involved,” Angie says, smiling.

“Exactly.” Dan breathes a sigh of relief.

“Well, since everyone knows everything now, can I call Phil in?” Angie asks.

“Sure,” Dan says, even though Angie has already started to yell –

_“Phil, darling, come in and say hello!”_

A crash is heard from the direction of the bedroom. Dan and Angie glance at each other.

They turn towards the hall and watch a ruffled-looking Phil come around the corner. He runs a hand through his hair.

“Uh, hi guys, how’s it going,” Phil says in a clear attempt to be nonchalant.

Angie stifles a laugh.

“Did you fall asleep?” Dan asks, fighting off a grin.

Phil blushes. It’s a good look on him. “Maybe for a minute or two, yeah.”

Phil looks back and forth between Dan and Angie on the couch. Dan supposes he’s trying to work out if Angie has been told about Chrome yet. “Is everything okay in here?”

His tone is casual, but Dan can hear hesitancy in his voice, like he doesn’t want to give away the possibility that there is something that might _not_ be okay. Dan’s chest warms – even now, Phil is trying to leave this completely up to Dan, to keep the options open for him, just in case Dan changes his mind about telling Angie or about wanting Phil in the room while he does it. Dan knows that going into a situation like this, without having a plan, is terrifying for Phil. And yet, he walked in blind and is winging it, all so that Dan can have the perfect ‘coming out.’ God, Dan loves him.

“She figured it out,” Dan says to Phil. He tries to not be embarrassed by the tenderness in his voice.

Phil’s eyes widen. “Oh.” There’s no emotion behind the word. That’s not so unusual, but Dan knows Phil only speaks like that when he’s trying to conceal whatever he’s feeling, so it seems a bit odd that Phil is doing that here. Dan makes a note to ask him about it.

Phil turns to Angie, “And?”

“Well, I think it’s brilliant. You’re a perfect match,” she says, clasping her hands together. “You should have heard this whole analysis Dan gave,” she continues, “You would have loved it.”

“Oh?” This time, the word is directed at Dan, and he can hear the ‘ _share it with me later?_ ’ in Phil's tone.

Angie talks over him, “It was this whole thing about how we each deal with vulnerability and how that has a direct relationship with how we relate to you.”

Dan chimes in – “Inverse relationship, actually. Although we didn’t discuss that part.”

He’s not trying to be pedantic, it just slipped out.

Angie rolls her eyes but smiles. “Told you,” she says to Phil. “Come sit.”

She moves farther along the couch to make space between herself and Dan. Phil walks over and sits down between them. Dan and Phil both look at Angie who just waves her hand at Dan and says, “Go on.”

Dan chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. He looks at Phil. “Maybe I’m reaching here, but it seems like the way Angie and I interact with you is kind of the opposite of how we each try to escape vulnerability.”

“For example, Angie,” he says, shifting to face her, “you were saying before that, in too-intimate situations, you generally try to divert the conversation, yeah?” He pauses for Angie to nod. “With Phil, however, you outright block his hypervigilance.”

Dan looks back at Phil. “I’m the reverse. Even though I typically freeze to shut out vulnerability, I also redirect your protective instincts.”

Phil seems to consider this for a moment and eventually starts to gesture into the air. “Hypervigilance, protective instincts,” he says, “seems like you guys were analyzing me too.”

“Uh, yeah, just a bit. Sorry,” Dan says. He bites his lip.

“No, it’s fine,” Phil says, quick to backtrack and reassure, “I’m just teasing.”

Dan looks at him, searching his face to see if he is being honest. Phil meets his gaze and gives Dan an encouraging grin.

“Ok then,” Dan says before taking a breath. “Well, everything we’ve been saying so far, how we each act one way in most cases but sometimes take a different approach, is all represented in Fall Whisperer.”

“Really?” Angie asks, “I don’t remember any of this being in there.”

“I do.” Phil says, looking at Dan with an intensity that Dan can’t quite place. “I didn’t write it out explicitly, but it’s there. It was more of a message for me, to be honest, than something I intentionally wanted other people to notice.”

Dan feels an extra burst of fondness towards Phil for being so brilliant in his creation of the story. “Explain it to us then,” he says warmly, “since you were the genius who thought it up, after all.”

Phil reddens at the praise and turns around to look at Angie. “Dan’s talking about the Dye and White arc and also the stuff about the shadow-self. With Dye and White, it’s about not just sticking to one way of dealing with a situation if that’s not the best path forward. It’s about becoming more well-rounded in the possible approaches you can use, expanding your mental toolkit.”

“That all connects to the shadow realm and the fact that you need to match your shadow. You can’t just ignore the shadow and hope it goes away or wait until you can somehow conquer that part of yourself. You need to accept and develop all parts of who you are – the strong and the weak – in order to make progress.”

“True in the game and in life,” Dan quips.

He turns to Phil – “Don’t listen for a second, I’m about to get really sappy.”

Phil laughs. “No promises.”

Dan ignores him and looks at Angie.

“From everything we’ve discussed, both before and now, it seems like Phil is the key to unlocking that progress for both of us,” he says.

“With Phil, we don’t just succumb to the aspects of ourselves that keep us from connection and intimacy. Don’t get me wrong, those sides of us aren’t bad – they represent the way we function under stress, when we need to pull back. Sometimes that’s necessary, like when you feel unsafe or when I am overwhelmed. But they shouldn’t be, and aren’t, our only options.”

Dan can sense Phil’s gaze. He pushes against the urge to make eye contact.

“There are other ways of expressing our core personalities, and, with Phil, we are able to do that in a way that’s growth-oriented – towards connection, intimacy, and love. We so deeply trust in Phil and know that, with him, there is nothing to fear in making ourselves vulnerable. We can let ourselves just _exist_ in a way that, in most other situations, feels unnatural or uncomfortable.”

“And I think we have a similar effect on him. With us, Phil just effortlessly projects this ‘aura’ that engenders trust, and it’s a completely different form of protecting from his typical vigilance. So, perhaps we help Phil towards one growth version of amethyst’s protectiveness as well.” Dan gives a timid smile and shrugs one shoulder.

He finally lets himself lock eyes with Phil.

“This kind of protectiveness doesn’t need masks or controlling for every outcome. It’s just Phil being who he is: so wholeheartedly accepting and completely willing to go to bat for those he protects that there’s nothing you’d be too afraid to face.”

Phil reaches for Dan’s hand and squeezes hard. Dan can see tears welling up in Phil’s eyes.

“I swear,” Phil says, breathless, “I’m going to try my best to be that for you every day.”

“You don’t need to try so hard,” Dan says with a smile, “you already are all of that and so much more.”

“Even if that were true, it still doesn’t come close to what you deserve.”

Dan can feel his own eyes starting to mist. He exhales a shaky breath.

Suddenly, Angie huffs out and incredulous-sounding scoff. The sound of it breaks the moment and their eye contact.

“You guys are ridiculous. Complete saps, the both of you,” she teases.

Dan laughs. “Yeah, I don’t think it’s possible to argue with that at this point.”

He lets his eyes flit back to Phil.

“But I wouldn’t change a thing.”


	4. Chapter 4

They’re half-dressed and tangled together on Phil’s bed. Dan traces meaningless shapes on Phil’s chest.

“You were great today,” Phil says, carding a hand through Dan’s hair.

“You think so?” Dan asks shyly. “I was terrified for most of it,” he admits.

“Yeah, you handled it all so well. Just like I knew you would.”

Dan nuzzles closer. He lets his lips linger against Phil’s neck. Not with any pressure, not even giving a proper kiss, just creating another point of physical contact between them.

Phil lets out a little hum of contentment, and Dan’s eyes fall shut.

Eventually, Phil stills the hand in Dan’s hair and sighs.

“Can I ask you something?” he whispers.

Dan pulls back to look at him.

“Of course,” he says, just as quietly.

“What” – Phil pauses, seemingly considering his words – “are your _thoughts_ ” – another pause – “on Angie figuring out the truth before you could tell her?”

Dan furrows his eyebrows. “Um, I guess it helped move things along?”

“So, it was a good thing?” Phil asks, his tone careful, measured.

“Yes?” Dan says, uncertainty making its way into his voice. It’s clear that something about the situation bothers Phil. His reactions now are so like those when he first learned that Angie had pieced together the truth: letting his voice go flat, hiding his emotions. “But I take it that you don’t think so?”

Phil sighs again. He rubs his hands over his face. “Am I a bad person if I was kind of upset with her?”

“You’re not a bad person,” Dan responds immediately with a roll of his eyes.

He processes the second half of Phil’s sentence. “Do you know why you were upset?”

“It’s just… this was supposed to be _your_ moment, you know? And I felt like she maybe stole your thunder.” Phil’s expression is bittersweet.

“Not to take away the accomplishment of owning up to the allegation,” Phil hurriedly adds. “I’m really proud of you for doing that, and I don’t want to put an idea in your head that, because she guessed, it wasn’t real or good enough.”

Dan hadn’t considered the situation like that at all. Until now. His conversation with Angie plays over in his mind with a new lens, one that shows him failing to achieve what he set out to do, forcing someone else to take charge just to get things done. The thought has the potential to send him into a spiral of self-loathing, but Dan doesn’t want to let it. He takes a deep breath and tries to reframe.

“You’re right,” Dan says slowly. “Because Angie figured it out, I wasn’t able to tell her, myself. And I think I could be really disappointed about that if I let myself be.”

“But, the thing is,” Dan continues, “the overall goal wasn’t to _say_ some truth, it was to get the truth out there. Sure, it would have been nice to be the hero – to take all of the risks, slay all of the dragons – but if someone is going to rescue the princess for me, I can’t really complain. The princess was saved, and that’s all that matters. There will be other opportunities to take those risks.”

Phil raises his eyebrows and looks past Dan with a thoughtful expression.

“You’re a much better person than I am,” he says wistfully.

“Not better,” Dan says, pausing to lean in and give Phil a brief, closed-mouth kiss, “just different.”

He kisses Phil again before pulling back. “And, anyways, you were pretty incredible yourself, today.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you were so good at just giving up control. Going with the flow and letting me handle it. I was really impressed.”

“I don’t mind giving up control when it comes to you,” Phil responds without any hesitation.

Dan smiles at Phil, and a thought flashes across his mind. He immediately grabs onto it. Studies its shape, its form. It’s an intriguing thought, to say the least, although it is, perhaps, a bit _risky_. He chooses to voice the idea before he can second-guess himself.

“I wonder how far we can push that,” Dan says, voice turning low and smooth. “See how much control you are really willing to give up.”

Phil’s breath hitches.

“All of it,” he says.

“Yeah?” Dan nibbles at Phil’s ear. “Going to give up all control and just let me take care of you, baby?”

“Tell me what you want me to do.” Phil’s eyes are wide.

“No, that’d be too simple,” Dan says, a wicked glint in his eye, “I have a better idea.”

He rolls over and sits up so that he’s braced on Phil’s hips, bracketing Phil with his knees. He leans down and kisses Phil while he reaches over to the side with one hand. When he feels the fabric of Phil’s t-shirt, he pulls back, biting Phil’s lower lip so that he can watch it snap back into place.

Dan takes the shirt in both hands and folds it until it’s only a couple of inches tall.

“Pick your head up,” Dan says.

Phil immediately complies, pushing himself up onto his elbows.

Dan holds the shirt out across Phil’s eyes and pulls it around to the back of Phil’s head. Phil brings a hand up to hold the blindfold in place as Dan makes a crude knot.

“This okay?” Dan asks once he is done.

“Yeah,” Phil breathes. “Kiss me?”

Dan starts to lean forward but then changes his mind. “What did we say about control?”

Phil exhales with a shaky sigh. “Sorry.”

Dan relents and pecks Phil on the lips. Phil makes a tiny noise of surprise.

“You’re going to kill me,” he says, matter-of-fact.

“It’s good though, yeah?” Dan asks. “You can tell me if you want me to stop.”

He rubs Phil’s leg in a way that he hopes is grounding.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s good,” Phil says. “Do I need a safe-word?”

Dan thinks for a moment. “If you want, you can come up with one, but you only really need that if we’re planning for me to not listen if you say to stop. And, honestly, I don’t think I’d be able to do that, to keep going even if you say stop, I mean.”

Phil bites his lip. “Okay, yeah. I’m more likely to just instinctively say stop than remember some other random word, anyways.”

“If you’re worried, we can take the blindfold off,” Dan offers.

“No, I think I like it,” Phil says hesitantly, like he isn’t sure if that’s allowed.

“Good,” Dan says, “so just relax and let me make you feel good, okay?”

“Yeah,” Phil breathes. He lets his head drop back onto the pillow.

Dan reaches out with one hand and caresses Phil’s face. His thumb strokes over the edge of the blindfold, and he leans forward, capturing Phil’s lips in a kiss. Phil’s sigh is muffled by Dan’s lips moving against his own. Dan lets his tongue brush against Phil’s bottom lip, and Phil’s mouth drops open with a low moan. Dan takes his time. He’s not in any rush and really wants to draw this out for Phil, to get him so worked up that he begs for it.

Dan’s hands wander while he kisses Phil. He trails his fingers lightly down Phil’s arms and loves the visible shiver that runs through Phil’s body. When Phil reaches up towards Dan, Dan stiffens his wrists and uses his hands to push Phil’s arms back down. Dan adds the same force into their kiss. It’s harsh, wet, and oh so hot.

Dan moves a hand up to press against Phil’s shoulder as he sucks a mark into the space above Phil’s collarbone. Phil’s moans grow louder, no longer quieted by Dan’s mouth. Dan tests different places on Phil’s neck and pays attention to the sounds he elicits from Phil with his actions. And, when Phil’s moans take on a pitch more akin to a whine, Dan opens his mouth just slightly to let his teeth graze the spot.

“ _Ahhh_ ,” Phil cries out. Dan sweeps his tongue over the mark he’s made before pressing his teeth against Phil’s pulse again.

“Dan, Dan, Dan,” Phil chants.

Dan pulls back to blow cool air over the mark. Phil whimpers, and Dan takes a moment to admire his handiwork.

“You like this, don’t you,” he says, letting his hand delicately make its way from Phil’s shoulder towards his chest.

“You like that I know all of the ways to make you squirm.” Dan draws a circle around Phil’s nipple and then pinches it between his thumb and forefinger.

_“Dan, please!”_

Dan removes his hand from Phil’s chest. He leans close to Phil’s ear and whispers, “You don’t even know what’s coming next, and, yet, look at you. You love this. So desperate for it.” Phil’s breathing goes even more ragged, and he lets his head roll to the side.

“Yes,” Phil says quietly. It’d be almost disconcerting how abashed Phil sounds if it weren’t so hot.

“Tell me,” Dan says, his voice rough.

“I- I- _fuck._ I want you so bad.” Phil says between breaths.

“How do you want me?” Dan asks coolly, tracing across Phil’s ribs and down his abdomen. He watches with awe the way Phil’s muscles contract in response to his touch.

“Any way you’ll have me,” Phil says with a defeated sigh.

“Good boy,” Dan says. Phil immediately reddens. The contrast of his blush against the deep black of the blindfold is maddening.

Phil bites his lip. “Thank you.”

Dan groans and leans down towards Phil in an almost-kiss. He’s close enough that Phil will be able to feel his breath as he speaks but not close enough to be able to touch, even as Phil purses his lips to try to make contact.

“Fuck, you’re so sexy,” Dan breathes.

Dan lets their mouths interlock, rolling his hips down in time with the rhythm of their lips, coming together and then apart, over and over, each union of their bodies more passionate than the last.

Eventually, Phil breaks their kiss, tipping his head back with breathy gasps as he meets Dan’s thrusts. They’re still in their pants, and it feels dirty in the best way, like they’re teenagers who can’t help themselves from finishing too early.

But Dan isn’t going to let that happen here. He wants to prolong the experience, to build Phil up so that he is in absolute ecstasy by the time he comes.

Dan shuffles off of Phil, denying them both the friction they crave. Phil whines when he thrusts into the air and gets no relief. Dan’s cock strains against his briefs. He hadn’t realized how much he’d enjoy this, having Phil blindfolded and so completely compliant.

Dan licks up the column of Phil’s neck. “Mine,” he says with a growl.

He sucks small marks from Phil’s neck down to his chest where he swirls his tongue around one nipple. He skims over the other with his thumb and then raises two fingers to brush against Phil’s lips.

“Suck.”

Dan can feel the texture and heat of Phil’s tongue on his fingers, can feel the movement of it curling and licking around them. His cock twitches as he imagines having his dick in Phil’s mouth instead.

He pulls his hand away tantalizingly slowly and moans around Phil’s nipple when he sees the string of saliva connecting his fingers to Phil’s open mouth. He eventually moves far enough for the saliva to drip, shiny and wet, down Phil’s jaw.

He uses his spit-slick fingers to tweak Phil’s nipple as he takes hold of the other between his teeth, flicking his tongue across its peak. 

“ _Unnnnngh, Dan... fuck, that feels incredible.”_

Phil’s hands come up to wind their way into Dan’s hair. Dan can’t tell if it’s to hold him back or to spur him on. Dan loses himself to the sensation and bites with more force than intended.

He immediately pulls off and begins to apologize, but Phil hisses between his teeth and arches his back. “ _Fuck.”_

Dan’s eyebrows raise. It seems he can be a bit rougher. _Interesting_.

He takes a moment to just look at Phil, panting, back-arched. Takes a moment to appreciate him with his lips red and swollen, marks freckled across his collar bones, nipples taut and flushed. He’s gorgeous. Dan groans with a mix of disbelief and admiration. “You look so beautiful laid out for me like this.”

Phil’s breaths are loud and heavy, but he doesn’t verbally respond.

“So willing to just let me taste.” Dan punctuates his statement by dipping his tongue into the hollow beneath Phil’s ribs.

“So willing to just let me _take._ ” He grabs Phil’s hips roughly, and Phil lets out a high cry.

Dan noses at the patch of hair peeking out from the top of Phil’s waistband. Dan can see Phil’s hand start to reach for him and thinks quickly.

“Put your hands behind your head,” he says gruffly. It’s a struggle for him to keep his voice deep and commanding. But it works. Phil takes a sharp breath and does as Dan requested.

“Don’t move them until I say so.”

Phil nods. It’s too casual of a response, Dan decides, like Phil’s agreeing to watch a movie or get take-out.

“Answer me when I speak to you,” he says. It’s more teasing than demanding, but Phil blushes and stammers, “Yes, I- I won’t move them.”

Dan kisses just below Phil’s belly button and then shifts his attention lower. It’s almost as though Phil can sense this as he begins rolling his hips in tiny, barely-there thrusts. It’s mesmerizing. Dan leans in and presses his lips against the wet patch that’s formed at the front of Phil’s boxers. He lets his tongue dart out to taste the tang of Phil’s pre-cum. He moves his mouth over the outline of Phil’s cock as it presses against the constrictive fabric.

_“Ohhhh...”_

Dan decides to give him some much-needed relief and drags Phil’s boxers down slowly. He taps Phil’s hip with one hand, and Phil lifts his ass so that Dan can slide the pants off with ease. When Phil’s cock is finally free and the cool air hits, he keens lowly.

Phil’s cock is flushed red and leaking. The fact that Phil can’t see how wrecked he looks means that he doesn’t bother even trying to appear composed. He just lays there, shameless, for Dan to admire: his arms behind his head add definition to the muscles in his chest, the removal of his pants has left his legs spread wide, and his cock – his glorious cock – is erect and curved back towards his stomach. It all makes such a pretty picture. Dan is struck with the thought of Phil, just like this, painted with Dan’s cum. He moans.

Dan leans forward and takes the head of Phil’s dick in his mouth. Phil gasps and jerks up. Dan digs his hands into Phil’s sides, pinning him down, keeping him in his place. Dan curls his tongue against the nerves just beneath the head and takes pleasure in the noises Phil makes as he does so.

With kitten licks, Dan gathers the beads of moisture that have dribbled down the sides of Phil’s cock.

“You’re so wet for me,” Dan says with awe.

He turns his attention back to the still-leaking slit. Dan closes his lips around the tip of Phil’s cock, letting the head slip into and out of his mouth, never fully taking him in. Phil writhes beneath him.

Dan can tell that Phil is getting close, can feel the way he tenses his abs as he tries to breathe. Dan abruptly sinks down, covering as much of Phil’s length as possible in one go, and sucks hard, just for a moment, trying to bring Phil as close to the edge as he can handle without Dan pushing too far.

He pulls off with a filthy-wet noise. Phil thrusts futilely with a whimper of frustration.

Dan crawls up to kiss Phil, keeping it light but affectionate. Phil tries to deepen the kiss, but Dan forces himself to resist. Phil lifts his head from the pillow, adding more pressure to his kisses. Dan moves farther away. Phil starts to move one of his hands, but he stops. Freezes.

There is a pause in the movement against Dan’s lips. Phil pulls back for a moment and takes a deep breath. When he exhales, there is a visible release of tension that softens Phil’s features. 

Phil starts to kiss Dan again, but he is now much calmer, more mellow. Phil relaxes back into the pillow and lets Dan take the lead.

“You doing okay?” Dan asks gently.

“Yeah,” Phil says with a smile, “I’m doing great.” The contrast of the sweetness in Phil’s expression with the sordid marks littering his neck leaves Dan’s mind reeling.

“I just had to remind myself to let go, to not fight for control," Phil says. “It’s not really my strong suit.”

“I know, baby,” Dan says, kissing down Phil’s jaw, “you’re doing so well.”

“Go on, then,” Phil urges. “You can do whatever you want with me.”

Dan pinches Phil’s side. Phil lets out a surprised yelp.

“Don’t rush me,” Dan says. It’s half banter and half command. Phil’s mouth snaps shut. Dan can feel the muscles in Phil’s jaw tense against his lips.

Dan reconnects their mouths and, this time, allows the momentum to build. He gives in to the heat, opening his mouth and letting his tongue slip against Phil’s. Dan presses closer. One hand supports his weight as he steadies himself against the bed. The other grips Phil’s jaw with enough force to turn the area crimson.

Phil moans as he licks into Dan’s mouth. He flicks his tongue against the sensitive ridges at the front of Dan's palate. Dan trembles – it feels incredible. He needs more.

“Touch me,” he whispers against Phil’s lips when they pull back to gasp for breath.

Phil immediately unlinks his fingers and pulls them out from behind his head. His hands go straight to Dan’s hair, pulling, twisting, tugging.

It’s heaven.

Phil’s hands drag down Dan’s back, and the fingernails against Dan’s too-hot skin feel like fire.

Dan throws his head back as he rolls his hips against Phil to relieve some of the pressure in his groin. After not being touched for all this time, everything feels heightened.

There’s only one layer of fabric still between them. Dan quickly removes his pants. When they finally brush up against each other, skin to skin, Dan groans with relief. The friction is rough but so wonderful.

Phil takes advantage of Dan’s lapse in control, sucking a hard mark into the space below Dan’s ear. Dan lets out a stuttered breath and grinds into Phil with even more force. It’s almost too much.

He’s gasping and writhing, and he needs to pull back if he doesn’t want to come.

It’s almost apologetic, Dan’s kiss, as he detaches himself from Phil.

He turns his head and murmurs into Phil’s ear, “I’m going to go grab the lube.” They had left it in the shower two days prior, and, while he kind of wishes he had thought to bring it in earlier, Dan appreciates that this gives him the opportunity to leave the room so he can calm down a bit.

Dan licks around the shell of Phil’s ear. “Don’t touch yourself.”

He doesn’t wait for a response.

Dan pulls back from Phil completely and walks towards the door. Dan knows Phil can’t see him, but that doesn’t stop him from letting his hips sway as he walks.

He opens the door. Even though he’s so stiff that it hurts, he lets himself draw out the moment and turns to look at Phil. Dan watches the way choked gasps wrack Phil’s body, loves how he looks with the blindfold pulled tight across his eyes. Phil’s hands clench and relax at his sides.

Dan forces himself to look away and, with the image seared into his mind, walks out into the hall.

He leaves the door open.

Nobody else is home, but it still feels naughty. If someone _were_ here, they’d see Phil all spread out, just waiting for Dan, ready for him. They’d smell honey, citrus, and the unmistakable scents of sex and sweat. With just one glance, they’d know exactly what he and Phil had been up to. They’d know exactly who it was that brought Phil to his current state.

Arousal curls low in Dan’s abdomen.

With a controlled exhale, Dan walks quickly to the bathroom. He grabs the lube and, as he turns around, catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His eyes are wild, pupils blown wide. His lips are bitten-red and swollen. The sheen of his sweat catches the light as it cuts across his features. He looks so utterly ruined. He loves it.

With a final glance at himself, Dan steps back into the hallway, walking with a new vigor. When he reaches the doorway of Phil’s room, he stops short and his mouth drops open.

Phil has turned over, now face-down on the bed, and is rutting against the mattress. His forearms are pressed out in front of him, giving him leverage with which to grind into the bed on each upward movement. Phil’s face is pressed deep into his pillow, no doubt trying to stay quiet as he brings himself closer to his peak.

A combination of irritation and desire course through Dan. _Phil knows this isn’t allowed._

Dan steps into the room, taking long strides until he reaches the foot of the bed. Caught up in his euphoria, Phil doesn’t notice. It feels dirty, watching Phil without him knowing. He almost feels bad for doing so, but _Phil_ is the one currently breaking the rules. That can’t go unpunished.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Dan asks in a low voice. He drops the lube unceremoniously on the bed.

Phil stops immediately. The room is quiet save for Phil’s heavy breaths.

“Couldn’t listen to my directions?” Dan’s voice drips with condescension.

“You said I couldn’t touch myself. I technically didn’t.”

“Oh, a loophole. That’s definitely what I had in mind, right?” It’s a rhetorical question, and Dan doesn’t give Phil a chance to respond.

“No, you just thought you’d get away with it,” he says. “Thought you’d hear me walking down the hall and turn back over, just in time. Give me the most innocent little smile, and I would never know.”

“Would never see the way you fucked yourself into the mattress.”

“Would never hear the moans you tried to muffle with your pillow.”

“Would never know that you couldn’t fully give up control.”

Dan grabs Phil’s ass with both hands and pulls him harshly towards his groin. Phil steadies himself on his knees, head hanging low between his elbows.

Dan pushes his cock roughly against the cleft of Phil’s ass.

“You want to know what happens to boys who don’t follow orders?”

Dan leans over, pressing his weight against Phil’s back.

“They get punished.”

Dan pulls away from Phil completely. With Phil now deprived of both sight and touch, there is an extra element of suspense.

Phil has to fully submit himself to the unknown.

For a moment, the room is quiet in heady anticipation.

_Slap._

The sound of Dan spanking Phil across the ass reverberates through the room.

Phil groans, and he comes.

“ _Ahhhh, Dan!_ ” he cries, jerking forward, spilling onto the sheets beneath him.

Dan immediately reaches around and wraps a hand around Phil’s cock, wanking him through his orgasm.

Phil is shaking. He repeatedly thrusts forward with involuntary jolts.

He continues to moan as Dan strokes him, his hand hot and slick with Phil’s cum.

It’s intoxicating, the sounds of Phil’s moans interspersed with shouts of Dan’s name, and Dan fights the urge to finish himself off and join Phil in ecstasy.

Eventually Phil’s orgasm subsides, and Phil pants as he begins to catch his breath.

Dan squeezes up Phil’s cock and uses his thumb to wipe the final drops of cum from the slit.

Phil exhales loudly and flops over onto his back.

“That was fucking fantastic.”

He reaches up with both hands to lift off the blindfold.

Dan grabs his wrists. “Not so fast,” he says.

“You want me to keep it on?”

“Um… yeah, if that’s okay with you.”

“I just had one of the best orgasms of my life because of this thing. I can wear it for a few more minutes.”

Phil lets his voice drop lower. “And if you’re the one who’s asking, who am I to disobey?”

Dan groans and leans forward, pulling Phil into a messy kiss.

“Good,” Dan says, trying to maintain a façade of composure, “because I think you liked your spanking a little too much for that to be considered a proper _punishment_.”

Phil giggles. Dan rolls his eyes.

“You can let yourself enjoy the post-orgasm haze once I’ve come as well. Get up, you’ve got a job to do.”

It’s not as immediate as Dan would have liked, Phil’s response to his command. Dan presses the heel of his palm into Phil’s over-sensitive dick. He gasps, mouth dropping open.

“Whatever you want, I’m yours,” Phil says. Dan can’t bring himself to look anywhere other than Phil’s lips as he forms the words.

“Think you’re up for putting that pretty mouth of yours to good use?”

“ _Mmmm_ , definitely.” Dan can see Phil sit up a little straighter.

He leans in close to Phil’s lips, just barely brushing across them. Their kiss starts slow as they give and take in equal measure. But Dan can’t restrain himself for long. His teeth graze Phil’s bottom lip. There’s a palpable urgency when they glide their tongues against each other.

“I want you on your knees.”

“God, yes,” Phil groans. He feels his way to the edge of the bed. Dan watches him, admires the fluidity of his shifting muscles as he crawls, the hesitancy with which he moves as he gets closer to the edge.

Phil climbs off and kneels, as Dan requested, at the foot of the bed. His face is upturned and, even blindfolded, looks eager. So ready to please, to give Dan the release he demands. Dan’s cock twitches, and he quickly makes his way to the end of the mattress. He sits on the edge with his long legs hanging down, feet planted firmly on the carpet below.

Phil grabs Dan’s ankles and runs his hands along Dan’s shins, across his calves, over his knees, up his thighs. He moves so slowly, and it’s the most fantastic torture. Phil’s touch leaves Dan gasping as he alternates between firm squeezes and traces that are feather-light.

When Phil reaches Dan’s inner thighs, he presses harder and massages the pliant flesh. Dan’s head tips back as he moans. Phil leans closer. He kisses up one leg and then the other. He’s so close to where Dan wants him to be, but Dan holds himself back from insisting Phil take his cock right this instant. He knows Phil would do it, of course, and that’s half of the excitement. But there is also a thrill in letting Phil have this slightest bit of freedom, to make _him_ figure out how to make Dan feel good.

It’s an eternity before Phil finally runs his mouth from the base of Dan’s dick up the shaft. Phil sinks down, encircling Dan with his lips. He’s only taken Dan halfway when he hums – eliciting a breathed “ _fuck”_ from Dan – and pulls off.

“I forgot how big you are,” Phil says, reaching a hand to wrap around the base of Dan’s cock. He licks up the vein running along its underside.

“I can’t even see you, but you feel so heavy against my tongue.” Phil swirls his tongue over the head to emphasize his point.

He takes Dan in farther his time, and Dan groans, lacing his hands into Phil’s hair. Phil bobs his head as he takes Dan, again and again, sucking hard each time he pulls off.

Phil rolls Dan’s balls with one hand as he continues to lick and suck. When he replaces his hand with his mouth and moves down to finger Dan’s perineum, Dan jerks forward. He can feel his balls tighten.

“Close,” he grunts out, clenching his eyes shut and pulling at Phil’s hair.

Phil stops his ministrations and sits back. He stays on his knees, mouth open, and waits. Dan opens his eyes when he realizes that Phil isn’t just moving back to his dick to quickly finish him off. Dan looks down at Phil and tries to figure out why he is staying so still. It takes a moment before the reason dawns on him.

“Oh, fuck.”

Dan tugs his hands, still tangled in the back of Phil’s hair, downward, forcing Phil’s head to tip back further.

“Are you sure?” Dan asks, watching Phil’s face.

Phil only opens his lips wider and flattens his tongue to cover his lower teeth.

Dan nearly moans at the sight. He guides himself towards Phil’s waiting mouth.

Dan presses in slowly, at first, to give Phil time to adjust. He pulls out so that Phil can take a breath before Dan pushes back in, even deeper. He builds up a pace, thrust after thrust, as Phil sucks and moans and doesn’t make any moves to pull off.

Dan uses his hands to bring Phil closer, to meet Dan in his thrusts. He hits the back of Phil’s throat with each drive forward, and it’s tight, so tight, and it feels so good. Phil’s nose brushes against the coarse hairs at the base of his cock, and Dan watches Phil take the entirety of his length.

It’s desperate, the way Dan tugs at Phil’s hair, urging him to go faster. The pace of Dan’s thrusts begins to falter as he approaches climax. He’s so close, he just _needs_.

He needs, he needs, he needs, and then he _takes._ He rips off Phil’s blindfold, looks into his eyes, and comes.

Phil maintains their eye contact as Dan stutters forward. Phil sucks Dan through his orgasm, lets Dan’s cum spill down his throat. Phil swallows around Dan’s dick, and it wrenches from Dan a loud groan.

Dan’s eyes fall shut, and he lets out a choked breath, hands loosening from Phil’s hair and falling limply to his sides.

Phil licks and sucks until Dan softens in his mouth. He pulls off gently and stands up. One hand holds Dan’s waist, the other cups his jaw.

Their kiss is sweet, even with the taste of Dan’s cum still on Phil’s lips. They move together lazily and eventually make their way back into bed.

Dan feels sleepy and content and _safe_. He curls into Phil.

“Are you comfy?” Phil asks, and Dan hears the smile in his voice.

Dan nods against Phil’s chest.

“Oh, so it’s okay when you don’t use your words?” Phil teases.

Dan rolls his eyes and jabs a finger into Phil’s side. Phil only snickers.

“Don’t make me get out the blindfold again, you only just got your sight back.” His voice is so fond that it’s not even a believable threat.

“You can’t deny that the blindfold did as much for you as it did for me,” Phil says.

Dan chuckles. “Maybe so.”

“And anyways,” Phil continues, “before we try this again, we should probably go get ourselves a real blindfold.”

Dan turns to kiss him.

“It’s a date.”


	5. Chapter 5

When it comes to revealing the truth about his identity to PJ, Dan allows for the planning to be a bit more spontaneous. As in, subtly texting Phil that they should tell PJ right before they actually do so.

There still is a plan; Dan’s not brave enough to go into this completely blind. But, given that PJ is now technically living with them, the plan does need to be quite flexible.

They know they need the right circumstances – PJ can be a bit of a loose cannon, and they don’t want to set him off – they just don’t know in advance what those circumstances will look like.

Turns out, the proper circumstances are Dan eating a bowl cereal in the corner of the kitchen and PJ sitting at the counter trying to get some work done on his laptop.

Dan pulls out his phone.

“You busy? I think now might be a good time,” Dan texts Phil with one hand, shoveling cereal into his mouth with the other. “We’re in the kitchen.”

Dan doesn’t get a response, but he hears the door of their bedroom open. The sound of Phil’s footsteps gets louder as he approaches.

Phil pokes his head into the kitchen and surveys the scene. PJ is angled with his back towards the doorway which means that Phil can nod in approval to Dan with a mouthed “This seems good – are you sure?”

Dan quickly checks that PJ is engrossed in his laptop before nodding just slightly in response. Phil smiles.

Dan turns to look out the window and pretends to not eavesdrop.

“Hey, what’re you working on?” Phil asks as he steps into the room and drops onto the stool beside PJ.

There's a loaded pause. Dan’s noticed that PJ tends to be somewhat hesitant to talk about work whenever Dan in the room. Which is fair, Dan supposes, given that PJ was never told any clear boundaries with regards to what can and cannot be talked about in Dan’s presence. If all goes well, this conversation should help clear that up.

It’s a little bit exciting, Dan knowing that _he_ has the ability to take down the wall that’s preventing him from becoming better friends with PJ. Even though they’ve made positive strides since PJ painted Dan's nails, there is still tension between them. It’s nobody’s fault, really, but when one person is naturally suspicious and the other is instinctively cagey, it’s hard to not feel uneasy in the other person's presence.

“Just some concept art,” PJ finally says. It’s a careful answer, vague. Dan smiles despite himself, knowing how much easier this is about to get, especially since he agreed, as Chrome, to join the development team. He focuses his vision on a bird hopping along a branch outside.

“That’s awesome, I can’t wait to see how it turns out,” Phil responds with what sounds to be real enthusiasm. Although Dan knows Phil is just leading up to the real purpose of this conversation, he can tell that Phil is genuinely excited about every aspect of the game. Dan can’t wait to work alongside him.

“I spoke to Chrome,” Phil says with a feigned nonchalance that Dan is hoping only he can detect.

“About…?”

PJ glances out of the corner of his eye at Dan, who notices only because he is similarly glancing out of the corner of his eye at PJ. Afraid of being caught, Dan quickly turns his gaze back to the window.

“You know, the job,” Phil answers. He sounds _chill_ , like there’s nothing strange about him suddenly bringing up a topic he had promptly shut down when PJ mentioned it a few weeks ago.

PJ’s eyebrows shoot up. Not that Dan catches, of course – he’s intently looking out the window. Dan doesn’t think he can keep up this charade of looking outside for much longer. He is getting impatient.

Apparently, PJ’s own impatience wins out against his hesitancy towards discussing work in front of Dan and asks excitedly, “And? What’d he say?”

“He agreed,” Phil says, voice entirely too calm. “He was really excited about it.”

Dan knows that’s his cue and gives up any pretense of not listening – he’s already smiling from ear to ear.

“You guys can’t pay me though, that doesn’t seem fair,” Dan teases.

PJ whips around to look at Dan and then back at Phil. Dan can see the metaphorical cogs turning in PJ’s head, and he has a brief moment of panic. PJ looks back at Dan. It clicks.

“Oh, for fucks sake,” PJ says.

There’s a beat of strained silence.

PJ turns to Phil. “You might just be the luckiest bastard in the whole of London.”

Dan exhales in a shaky sort of laugh, but the sound of it is masked by Phil’s elated bark of laughter.

“I can’t disagree,” Phil says.

He jumps up and walks over to Dan, startling him into a kiss much too intense for ten in the morning in their kitchen with PJ in the room. Not that Dan really minds; he can't think of much at all when Phil’s tongue is in his mouth. Their kiss is sloppy, wet with lips and tongues and spit. Dan curls his tongue against Phil’s, and Phil groans.

Phil’s hands are in Dan's hair, on his waist, cupping his jaw. It’s like Phil wants to hold all of him at once. It’s such an intimate feeling, knowing how much he’s wanted. Dan's hands are under Phil’s shirt, and, when Dan runs his fingernails down Phil’s back, Phil immediately breaks their kiss and sucks hard right below Dan’s ear. Dan moans, and Phil runs his tongue over the spot. It feels so fucking fantastic.

PJ clears his throat loudly. _Oh, right. Shit._

Dan pulls back and looks sheepishly at PJ who appears quite unimpressed. Dan blushes, but Phil doesn’t seem phased.

“Oh, bugger off,” Phil says good-naturedly, “you’ve been worse. And, anyways, we’re celebrating Dan coming out to you.”

“You bugger off,” PJ retorts. “I have some questions for Dan” – PJ turns to him with a twinkle in his eye – “or Chrome, rather.”

Dan laughs wholeheartedly this time.

“Also, celebrate on your own time. In private.” PJ emphasizes, gaze now trained fixedly on Phil.

“Oh, we will,” Phil says, a seductive smirk spreading across his face. It’d be almost funny, Dan seeing Phil be so flirtatious with someone other than himself, if it weren’t turning him on so much.

Phil leans closer to Dan and whispers into his ear, “Come find me when you can’t think about anything other than how badly you want to be fucked.”

Dan inhales a sharp breath.

Phil winks at Dan as he steps back, reaching around him as he does so to grab the cereal bowl that Dan had left, half-finished.

“I’m taking this, by the way,” Phil says. His tone is completely casual, as though he didn’t just get Dan half-hard in his sweats. Phil grabs a handful of cereal in one hand as he starts to walk away, hips swaying a bit too much to be unintentional.

Dan can’t breathe.

“Well, I don’t know how I’m supposed to compete with _that_ ,” PJ says to Dan, eyebrows raised, “But if you guys can control yourselves for just a few minutes, I do actually have some questions.”

Dan chuckles and moves to sit next to PJ. He’s more than happy to oblige, even if he doesn’t have all the answers.

There are still many details to work out, including Dan’s exact job description and how much of the arrangement they should make public, but, right now, the opportunities seem endless. A younger Dan might have blanched at the thought – it’s mildly terrifying to know that it’s up to him to create the future he wants for himself, to recognize that he is the only person responsible for his own happiness.

But Dan’s come a long way since then. These new opportunities feel like gifts for him to explore rather than a trick where the universe secretly hopes he makes the wrong choice. The only cruel trick that’s been played is the fact that he’s lived so long not knowing that there are no wrong choices. Each choice is just one step along one of the many different paths that lead to his destination.

He knows where that is now.

Dan wants to live a life where _barrenness_ becomes fulfillment and productivity, where _detachment_ transforms into meaningful relationships and into compassion for both himself and others, where _temporary_ ties take stronger root, making them – and him – enduring, resilient, and strong.

It’s a difficult process, but he’ll get there.

Even if it takes longer for him than it does for others, even if he catches himself comparing how fast he’s going to the pace of his peers, it’s his journey, and he gets to navigate as he sees fit.

The scenic route might not be the quickest, but it certainly does have a lovely view.

Dan knows what he chooses:

_To invest in himself, his health, and his growth._

_To connect and love intimately, without fear of vulnerability._

_To set boundaries and stand up for himself, even when it’s most challenging._

It has such an impact on his life, living with these values in the back of his mind, because it results in Dan surrounding himself with people who help and urge him to be the best version of who he is. He is one hundred percent vulnerable with Phil, and it doesn’t feel like a risk to wear his heart on his sleeve. He is doing his utmost to be open with Angie and PJ. And, he and Jimmy are, together, figuring out the right balance of boundaries and compassion.

With time, these values will become as sturdy as vows he can swear to uphold. But, for now, he faces these choices daily. He always chooses the same things.

Every day, Dan chooses to live a life that brings him closer to being fully and completely authentic.

Every day, Dan chooses to open himself up to the thrill that comes with love and intimacy.

Every day, Dan chooses to

.

.

.

 _fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> Also, there's clearly an opening for some more bonus smut (which I'd write it as a stand-alone companion piece) if there's interest ;) lmk

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi on [tumblr](https://www.indistinct-echo.tumblr.com)!


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